When parents remarry, the newly-blended family is often unprepared for the potential conflict and turmoil that step-siblings can encounter. Thrust into an alien environment, many children find themselves unable to cope with the transition. As a result, insecurities develop into rivalries, pitching step-siblings into battle with one another.
If issues are not dealt with immediately, children can find themselves living with step-siblings from hell. In this one-on-one interview with Dr. Linnda Durre, Dr. Durre shares some true case files and offers sound advice for both parents and children immersed in a blended family nightmare.
Dr. Durre has a Ph.D. in psychology and has been in private practice for 32 years assisting families, children, teenagers, couples, adults and seniors. Selected from 200 applicants to host Ask the Family Therapist on America’s Health Network, which was filmed at Universal Studios Orlando and associated with the Mayo Clinic, Dr. Durre's expertise has led to appearances on Oprah, 60 Minutes, The Today Show, Good Morning America and The O’Reilly Factor.
A member of Mensa and a former Jeopardy contestant, Dr. Durre has also appeared on national and local news outlets such as ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, CW, NPR and PBS. Once an adjunct professor of psychology at Rollins College, in Winter Park, Florida, her background includes three K-6 teaching credentials for NY, NJ, and CA. Suite101.com greatly appreciates Dr. Durre's contribution to this article, and would like to thank her for taking time out of her busy schedule to conduct this interview.
True cases of blended family nightmares
Suite101: To make families aware of how dire situations can get for blended families and step-siblings, are there any cases in which you've been involved, that you can anonymously share with our readers?
Dr. Durre: [In one case], the stepmother was a borderline personality and was very critical of her stepchildren. The stepchildren could never please her and she was erratic, cruel, explosive, passive-aggressive, and emotionally sadistic, as those with borderline personality disorders can be. She played her children from a previous marriage against her stepchildren in vicious ways – comparing her children as saints to the demons she called her stepchildren. In talking to her stepchildren, they found an oasis of sanity in my sessions with them.
I knew the situation wasn’t going to get any better because the stepmother didn’t want to change, she wouldn’t go on any medication, and she thought she was perfect. She saw everything in black and white, was totally inflexible, and could become vicious. When the father realized through counseling and reading articles and books that he was married to a borderline personality and that things would never change, he finally got out of the marriage and filed for divorce, taking his children with him. He is now happily remarried to another woman; his children are older and got through a very difficult patch in their lives caused by a stepmother and her own children from a previous marriage.
In another case, the biological children from the husband’s first marriage were pitted against the stepmother’s children from her first marriage. There was physical violence that was dangerous because the father was an alcoholic. They had to be reported to the authorities.
Common problems faced by blended families and step-siblings
Suite101: What would you say are the most common issues that create problems between step-siblings?
Dr. Durre: First, there is usually very little communication among family members; second, there are fights, yelling, screaming, frequent eruptions of anger and sometimes physical violence because of the lack of communication and finally, there is a refusal to go to counseling. If the family reluctantly goes to counseling there is a lack of commitment while in counseling, "before" the second (or third) marriage to make the transition to a blended family much easier. When the therapist gets the family into counseling, so much unnecessary damage has already been done.
In these cases, the therapist has to go back to the beginning and metaphorically unravel a giant plate of spaghetti one strand at a time and clarify communication, build alliances, and call process shots on the dysfunctional family dynamics. An example would be saying, to the mother, “Sally, you defend you children even when they do something wrong.” or to the father, "Bob, you ignore the fighting instead of stepping in and mediating between the kids."
This is another indication of parental negligence and even endangerment. Many parents are in denial about the problems and look the other way, and that is undisciplined and negligent parenting. Sometimes they come home and find children beaten up, in need of hospitalization, or even killed. There are also cases of rape and sexual molestation and incest in dysfunctional families – between step-siblings as well as siblings. It is all dangerous for the victims.
Step-sibling issues can only be resolved if parents are willing to be responsible
Suite101: Do you believe the ages of step-siblings play a role in how they get along?
Dr. Durre: Yes and no. Sometimes the older ones pick on the younger ones. Sometimes the older ones protect the younger ones. Sometimes there are hidden emotional alliances – it depends on the family.
Suite101: How would you suggest children approach problems with a step-sibling? Would you ever recommend children resolve minor issues themselves or seek adult-intervention immediately?
Dr. Durre: This should be the parents’ responsibility to have family meetings, to act as a mediator, to be a united front with the other parent. Sometimes a child asks for help from a parent and is ignored. That is dysfunctional parenting and negligence on the parents’ part. The parent needs to "act" like a parent and not "act like" another child.
If a child can go to a school counselor, sometimes a school counselor can take the lead with the family and do some sessions or refer them to someone on their insurance plan. A good counselor can see each adult and each child individually, build a rapport with each of them, and then act as an objective mediator in having the two children or more children talk to each other and resolve it and then bring in the parents. Family therapy can help when the parents are involved. The parents may need to take parenting courses, or in some cases, may even be court ordered to attend parenting courses.
If there is physical intimidation or bullying, I do not recommend that children attempt to resolve it themselves at all. I recommend that they seek adult intervention immediately. If children can resolve it between themselves, that speaks volumes on their communication level, maturity, and ability to be fair and listen to each other. I applaud that and it's very rare!
What children can do when parents won't listen or refuse to intervene
Suite101: What can a child do when parents refuse to listen to their grievances or don’t believe them? In some cases, parents offer a short-term solution but do nothing to address chronic problems.
Dr. Durre: What children can do when parents won't listen or refuse to intervene is even call DCF (Department of Children and Families) themselves and they can also report it to the school principal, vice principal, counselor, teacher, and/or nurse. They are all mandated reporters about child abuse and negligence and can call the authorities. They cannot be sued and are protected by law.
Suite101: What if there is physical or sexual abuse involved?
Dr. Durre: Again, they should go to their principal, teacher, a school counselor, even a police officer if there is violence because that is reportable as child abuse, child negligence, and child endangerment.
Suite101: What about the fear of repercussions for reporting an incident?
Dr. Durre: They either suffer the beatings and torment or they have to learn to stand up for themselves. A teacher, school counselor, the school nurse, the principal, vice principal and even a police officer – all are mandated reporters and cannot be sued. Those mandated officials can then report the family and parents to Child Protective Services or the Dept. of Children and Families for more help. There are also self-defense classes for young boys and girls to learn to protect themselves from kidnappers, pedophiles, and even their own step-siblings or step-parents. Sad but true.
Kids facing issues with parents and step-siblings can get help
Suite101: Are there any official organizations or entities that children can turn to? Even if it is just to chat?
Dr. Durre: Some teenagers find solace in Alateen meetings, if it’s an alcoholic or drug addicted parent. It’s a very supportive group. There are some groups that counselors run in the schools. They can attend those or even start one themselves. Remember AA was started by two men who sat and talked to each other and it grew into a world wide organization that helps millions of people and families all over the world.
Sometimes Boys and Girls Clubs have support groups for kids to talk about their feelings. Other neighborhood clubs, after school activities, high school psychology clubs – can all offer support groups. There may be some at churches, Family Services, through County Mental Health, and other community services. The Center Against Domestic Violence, the shelters for abused women, Womens' Centers, may also offer support groups for kids and teens.
Long-term psychological and physical consequences of step-sibling abuse
Suite101: What are the long-term effects children can face if issues are not resolved? Are you aware of suicidal tendencies linked to step-sibling abuse? How can a child recognize when it's time to get help?
Dr. Durre: Children should feel safe in their own home and in their own room and many don’t. It’s like living in a prison camp – they develop symptoms and traits of an abused child or a prisoner of war – they feel powerless and they want the craziness in the family to stop. The parents are sometimes useless, in denial, and negligent. The children are frightened and need help.
They can also develop physical symptoms like stomach aches, headaches, crying; they get depressed, they lose the joy of living, they give up hope, and they are internally angry, full of rage and can be explosive. They can even feel suicidal and many make a suicide attempt(s), in a cry for help. Unfortunately, some even do kill themselves – usually by overdosing on medication, hanging themselves, finding a gun and shooting themselves, or deliberately stepping in front of a car or train. It’s tragic and it could all be avoided by counseling and active positive parenting.
When parents are not prepared for newly-blended family issues
As witnessed in "A Blended Family Takes Preparation and Foresight Experts Say," some parents simply are not prepared for the changes and effects that a newly-blended family can have on their children. Perhaps overwhelmed, many good parents are struggling to put things right and don't know where to begin. Dr. Durre suggests that an excellent first step is to find a, "Nurturing, caring, well-educated and experienced therapist who can deal with the dynamics of a dysfunctional family and who can confront the pathology." A good therapist is an impartial tool that families can use to navigate stormy seas churned by emotion and tension.
In many cases, there are several options locally that blended families can take advantage of, says Dr. Durre. "Low cost therapy, either at Family Services or through county mental health, churches, synagogues and even walk in centers is often available," she says. All families need to do is acknowledge that problems exist, discern the need for external help, and have the desire and commitment to seek a resolution. As Dr. Durre's testimony shows, children who have issues with step-siblings need parental support and guidance in finding a resolution. Allowing them to fend for themselves can invite lethal consequences and decimate a newly-blended family entirely.
Elizabeth Batt - Elizabeth Batt is a former large animal nurse, certified NREMT, lover of equines and conservationist.
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