Sibling rivalry in primary families needs careful handling but rivalry in blended families and step-children can spill over into the marriage, forcing parents to take sides and escalating animosity not only in the marriage, but between parents and children and between step-siblings too.
Are Blended Families the New Norm for Family Structure?
Dan Snell, CEO and Founder of the American Blended Family Association (ABFA) wrote an open letter in Aug. 2008, to the 2008 Elective Office Candidates. In this letter, Snell wrote that "Research studies confirm that by the year 2010, blended families will become the most common family structure in America."
Snell's letter continued to say that, "more people are part of a ‘blended family’ in America today than the number of people who voted in the 2004 Presidential Election."
Unfortunately statistics into blended families are few and far between and several blended family support groups, such as Winningstepfamilies.com, believe that statistics are not represented accurately because they grossly underestimate the actual number of blended families in the U.S.
Linda Berlin of Psy.D. & Psychological Associates posts on her company website that estimates suggest that about 65% of remarriages involve children from the prior marriage to form stepfamilies. Of these remarriages, an estimated 60% end in legal divorce. Why?
Barbra Warsetsky, LCSW, says that a blending of families is more than just living in the same household. It means a blending of personalities, differences and of course loyalties. Initially the honeymoon period will allow for a measure of compromise all round, but as things settle down, cracks often appear as step-siblings test loyalties and test each other.
Step-Siblings and Testing Boundaries
In any situation, even in traditional families, it is natural for children to test boundaries to see how far they can be pushed. It is how blended families react to the testing that is the key. If consistency and fairness is not applied across the board, resentment and anger can escalate between siblings and step-sibling rivalry can rapidly develop.
Parents often try to be fair but it is a natural instinct for a parent to protect a child, especially when there is a sea of change. Kids are resilient and will adapt but initially the changes might just be too much too soon. Experts suggest that it is easier to deal with it immediately, than to actually let it fester and grow into a huge negativity issue.
Lawrence Kutner Ph.D believes that parents of newly blended families acknowledge several areas where problems may arise. In his article, "Insights for Parents: Stepsibling Rivalry," on his website DrKutner.com, he mentions four keys areas where sibling rivalry tends to pose a problem. These are:
- Private space issues
- Birth order
- Holidays
- Age
Children being asked to now share a room can resent the invasion of privacy especially if the child was already resident in the home. Teenagers like to have private space and can become extremely territorial. Teens also seem to have a harder time adapting to changes than younger kids and if playing host to a younger sibling, can resent the intrusion.
Kutner also believes that holidays can be a factor for dissent, as the traditions of one family might clash with the traditions of another. So how can parents prevent these issues from becoming a permanent and exhausting part of everyday life?
Kutner says that it is important to recognize that some parts of sibling rivalry can be healthy and act as a teaching role in social skills. The worst thing parents can do, Kutner says, is to try and force things and make children get along.
Kids will rebel and the hate and rivalry will only grow. The best ally that parents have Kutner says, is time. "Give your children and yourselves a chance to stumble about a bit as you sort through the new relationships."
Communication is also a key factor for blended families. By allowing children to express sore points or opinions on family decisions, kids will feel like a valuable family member whose input matters. Parents who listen and address children's concerns will have a better functionally blended family than those parents who prefer to insist that all is sweetness and roses.
Sources:
Snell, Dan. "An Open Letter to 2008 Elective Office Candidates." American Blended Family Association (ABFA), Aug. 21, 2008 (accessed Apr. 25, 2010).
Kutner, Lawrence Ph.D. "Insights for Parents: Stepsibling Rivalry." Drkutner.com (accessed Apr. 25, 2010).
Warsetsky, Barbra LCSW. "Ten Principles for Successful Stepparenting." Psy.D. & Psychological Associates (accessed Apr. 25, 2010).
Winningstepfamilies.com. "Blended Family Statistics" (accessed Apr. 25, 2010).
Elizabeth Batt - Elizabeth Batt is a former large animal nurse, certified NREMT, lover of equines and conservationist.
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