Sibling relationships that begin in the womb create a bond between children that lasts a lifetime. When a twin or co-multiple loses a sibling, it can feel as if they have lost a limb. All of a sudden, siblings that eat, sleep, play and grow together are thrust into a chasm of loneliness where they feel incomplete or even agonized by survivor's guilt.
Losing a twin creates the same grief intensity as the death of a spouse
The loss of a sibling is devastating for any child, but for twins and multiples that loss is magnified. In Valerie L. Schwiebert's, "Twin loss: Implications For Counselors Working With Surviving Twins," published in the Jan. 2005, Journal of Counseling and Development, Schwiebert says that counselors, "Need to understand the unique aspects of the twin relationship and resulting complicating factors for the grief process."
Referencing studies by Segal & Bouchard, (1993); Segal, Wilson, Bouchard, & Gitlin (1995) and Segal (2002), Schwiebert suggested that not only did twins dread the death of a co-twin more than almost any other loss, grief intensity after the death of a twin, "Was about the same as grief intensity following spousal loss." Other studies have even shown that in the case of identical twins, exhibited brain wave patterns are almost identical.
Co-multiples and survivor's guilt
On. Nov. 10, 2010, Tampa Tribune writers Howard Altman and Jose Patino Girona covered the tragic story of triplets, Delaney, Isabella and Gabrielle Rossman who were hit by an out of control car and driver with tragic consequences. Delaney was killed, Gabrielle ended up in a coma and Isabella unfortunately witnessed the death said the reporters in " Surviving Multiple Siblings Face Special Burden, Experts Say." As a result adds the reporters at 2.tbo.com, several psychology experts predict that the remaining co-multiples could face unique and individual challenges ranging from survivors guilt to a "Traumatic sense of loss."
Survivor's guilt was first recognized in the aftermath of the holocaust. This deep seated feeling of guilt causes survivor's to question their worthiness and why they survived over the person that died. In some cases, survivors might even feel failure for not doing enough to save a person's life. In "Survivor Guilt," published by Mitchell Milch, LCSW, at 4therapy.com, Milch describes this form of guilt as, "A recipe for chronic unhappiness. It is, in simplest terms, feeling guilty about being happy with one’s lot in life." In other words, even into adulthood, it doesn't matter how successful a person is, or what a person accrues, a survivor's feelings of guilt can impact a marriage and even affect relationships with their own children.
Helping children to survive the loss of a twin or co-multiple
Parents often face a doubled-edged sword with the loss of a child who was a twin or co-multiple. Dealing with grief of their own they also have to find a way to help a surviving sibling through this unique type of loss too. In "Monitoring Survivors," by Dr. Elizabeth A. Pector published at Twinlesstwins.org, Dr. Pector says it is important for parents to explain instances of death to surviving children as clearly as possible. Utilizing toys, puppets and art activities in these explanations can help younger children express their feelings about the loss.
In middle childhood (5-9 years), adds Dr. Pector, a child's understanding of death is better, often leading to the surviving sibling's desire to talk or pose further questions about the death. Parents that willingly give their time, show patience and honesty are the ones that will best help their children through this stage. Dr. Pector also recommends that parents can encourage a child to express their emotions with the releasing of balloons, art work, poetry or through a visit to a sibling's grave site.
Tweens and teens often find it much more difficult to express their emotions, especially so close to home where they can physically see and understand their parents' anguish. In this case an outside ear, such as a therapist may be beneficial. Teens can freely express their emotions without having to worry about upsetting their parents.
There are also several excellent books available for teens but consider actual accounts of sibling loss such as Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn's, The Empty Room: Understanding Sibling Loss (2007). Raeburn's book recounts several individual stories of sibling loss with one recurring theme – as the majority of public sympathy was addressed to their parents, many siblings felt that they were left to face their grief and heartache alone.
Intense emotions are a normal part of the grieving process, but for children learning how to deal with these emotions, the road can be a rough one without intervention. For twins and co-multiples, as former womb-mates, emotions appear to run even deeper. Unfortunately whilst too few studies exist into the effect of sibling loss in co-multiples, there are some excellent resources available for children dealing with traumatic grief through the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) at Nctsn.org.
Note: All sources accessed Jan. 29, 2011.
Elizabeth Batt - Elizabeth Batt is a former large animal nurse, certified NREMT, lover of equines and conservationist.
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