A newly-blended family is often unprepared for the potential conflict and turmoil that step-children and siblings may introduce, particularly when they're struggling to cope with a new situation. Marriage and relationship coach, John Wilder, told Suite101.com that men and women get divorced in the belief that they can find someone who will make them happy and remarry.
Unfortunately, says Wilder, "In large part because of step kids, the divorce rate is actually way higher for second marriages, about 75% and even worse for third marriages, about 85%." What should parents of a soon-to-be blended family do to smooth the transition not only for the children, but for the good of the entire blended family?
Being unprepared causes chronic issues for step-siblings
Experts believe successful blending takes preparation and foresight by parents even before the families begin to live together. If incorrectly handled, parents can cause long-term issues between step-siblings that may last for years. Jacqui Fleming, whose mom remarried when she was 10 years old, expresses problems that exist to this day. With the marriage, Jacqui gained a new sister of the same age, along with a 15-year-old step-brother.
Jacqui says that one immediate issue was evident at the outset; both of the families were completely different. "It took time for us to get used to each other and our differences," says Jacqui, who admits that while the family did eventually resolve those differences, some issues remained for a long time and one, to this day, is ongoing.
Jacqui enjoyed a close relationship with her mom which was resented by her step-siblings. "In the first year," says Jacqui, "my step-sibs would team up on me when the folks were at work and insult me." Furthermore, because the step-sisters were the same age and sex, the competition factor between them escalated when people naturally drew a comparison between them.
"Unfortunately, my sister had a lot of behavioral problems growing up, and so she was always the 'black sheep' who acted out, and I was the 'good girl'," says Jacqui, adding that because of this distinction, and even though the step-sisters generally got along, she was resented by her sister for "the better-part of 15-years." Another issue that still impacts Jacqui, is being placed between her step-sister and mom. "My mom and sister never got along well (they were a lot alike), and I felt put in the middle," she adds, acknowledging that this is the one problem that currently persists.
In all fairness, Jacqui says her parents did try to resolve issues that arose. "Unfortunately, they only punished my sister instead of getting to the root of why she was acting out," says Jacqui. "We went to family therapy, but I don't think it helped all that much. The problems never really went away, I think we just grew accustomed to them and accepted that it wasn't going to change." Jacqui readily admits that although, "Things were bad in the early days, they got better over time as we grew up."
Views on divorce, blended families and step-siblings
When parents are not prepared to handle the gamut of feelings that can overwhelm children in newly blended families, it is the children themselves that may cause the issues, says John Wilder. "Kids are still grieving over their parents' divorce and want them back together," says John, so "they tend to naturally sabotage the step parents marriage and use sibling rivalries with the step kids to divide and conquer."
Referencing Judith Wallerstein's landmark study on the effects of divorce on kids, Wilder acknowledges that these effects can be devastating even into adulthood and believes that parents would be best served if they, "work out their problems and stay married to each other." It is important to note, however, that Wallerstein's study has faced criticism from feminists for suggesting the same idea, particularly as not every marriage can be classified under one umbrella. Still, one must also acknowledge that society today, accepts and perhaps expects divorce, far more readily than it once did.
Gayle Markham told Suite101 that she wishes her parents had sought a divorce when they were kids. "It was horrible," Gayle says, "they thought they were doing us a favor, but the atmosphere in the house was overwhelming for myself and my sister." Always feeling like they were forced to choose sides, the Markham sisters said that it felt like two separate families living under one roof.
Tips for blending families and step-siblings successfully
Christie Hartman, PhD, told Suite101.com, "If children suffer due to a step-family, the problem isn't step-families, it's that the parents haven't learned effective tools to handle their situation and still have a good, supportive family." Christie says that, "New step-families should have realistic expectations for blending a family. Biological families share genes and many years together, and it takes time to get used to outsiders."
Hartman adds that it's also important to acknowledge that, "You'll probably never feel the same about your step-sibling/parent as you do about your biological sibling/parent, and that's okay," says Christie, who suggests that parents can help to ease the transition by:
- allowing the kids to get to know each other before making them live together in the same house. It won't prevent all problems, but it will help with the transition
- letting kids have their own personal space, ideally no room sharing
- acknowledging kids' feelings, even if whiny, then focus on problem solving
- lay down firm house rules and be a "united front" with the kids. Otherwise, the family will fall apart
- taking advantage of resources. Don't try to do it alone
Christina Roach, MA, NCC, DCC, is a therapist, step-family coach and a nationally certified counselor and family mediator who believes, "Hands down, bringing two households together to form a step-family can be hard work." Roach told Suite101.com that, "The art of ‘blending’ is often more difficult than first anticipated," and unless approached systematically, step-families face a daunting statistic – the highest rate of break-up is during the first two years.
The President and Founder of Success for Steps at Successforsteps.com, Roach says that, "First and foremost, couples need to plan, plan, and then plan some more. Not enough can be said about the importance of planning and its function in preserving the step-family unit," adds Roach. Parents she says, need to remember that:
- for most children the forming of a step-family indicates the death of the first family
- the remarrying of a parent to another adult also dashes children's hopes that their biological parents will get back together
These two things combined, believes Roach, leaves children with a sense of loss and confusion about their new role in the blended family. The best rules for families to teach and remember, adds Roach, is that of the 3Rs: rules, roles and responsibilities. Not so easily defined in a step-family, these rules, says Christina, when used correctly, can strengthen a step-family immensely. She also suggests that parents:
- establish household rules with the children's involvement, to empower everyone
- even though parents make the final decisions, eliciting feedback from kids strengthens bonds
- use tokens of appreciation (such as a simple hello or thank you), to develop and maintain relationships
- understand that step-families need to first form new relationships and then keep them nurtured so that they remain healthy
Roach, who acknowledges that step-families require a lot of hard work, says when done right, step-families, "can be very rewarding." Still, blended families often face complex issues that cannot easily be understood or resolved. "Given this and the fact that more than half of American families are step-families," says Christina, "the need for a focus on and understanding of step-family dynamics, could not be greater." In light of Jacqui's experience and the long-term consequences of being a step-sibling, Roach's request is one worth noting.
Suite101 expresses sincere thanks to the many contributors that helped to form this article.
Elizabeth Batt - Elizabeth Batt is a former large animal nurse, certified NREMT, lover of equines and conservationist.
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